Trains. And thoughts that lie too deep at times

"So what is the purpose of life?"
"Hmm... I don't know. Maybe it's like Socrates says, to keep examing yourself, and improve. Yeah, it's like you keep thinking about it, and refining your purpose of life, and how you want to live it."
"But what is the point of improving? Is there any end to it? If it's knowledge, when you die, it goes with you?"

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"So how do you live your life?"
"You mean what I do besides research?"
"No, not that, but what I mean is how do you go about living your life. There could be this time where you realise who you really are? And then"
"..............."
"..............."
"Arh.. I get what you mean. I dunno, I guess to me that means not forgetting the simple joys in your life. The joy of writing, reading and learning perhaps. Sometimes I really feel that I might lose them one day. Its like you learn to look outside a certificate, a relationship and stuff, and realise that there is still these things that are worth living for."

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Some three years perhaps, has transpired between those two questions. And I do not come closer to answering that. You know, part of it is constantly asking yourself that question, and re-examing what you are doing. It is so easy to forget that sometimes, and do anything to seek that moment of absence. Drinking, tv, work and all these, it just veils that mortality of our existence. Somehow, we take for granted that come the next day, we would still be doing the same thing the day before.

It is easy to forget that there is something besides grades and work. It is even easier sometimes, to remind ourselves that we value our relationship with people. But in the end, do we keep to that? It is simple, to tell ourselves that what matters is that we gain knowledge and we learn, but where upon does our intensity lies? Have we lost, our intensity for life, and let it seeped, unnoticingly, unknowingly. Is that which we claimed to remember, a shadow and nothing else.

It is excruciating and pain staking at times. I am afraid that I will forget it all one day.

Break.

“Why is a rain tree called a rain tree?”
“Because it has a top shaped like an umbrella and since calling it an umbrella tree isn’t very nice, you call it a rain tree.”

Incredible nonsense I come up with at times. A rain tree has fern like leaves that fold up when it rains, to let rain water through. So if you take shelter under a rain tree, chances are that you would get drenched by the rain. Well, it does remind you of rain nonetheless.

Between trees and the blue sky, times like that are evanescent. You cannot really piece, pool things and conjure up stuff like that. Sometimes it just strikes you, that the world is not all about yourself. Things come through you, not to you. And though seemingly foolish no doubt, I like to believe that friends and people are not always there waiting for you. When possible, always be prepared to lay aside everything, for this moment with your true friends.

Somehow, the reasons or impetuses, that make people come together, leads an existence that is as thin as mist. It descends at this delicate pace, and then disperses effortlessly, soundless and traceless that leaves not much clue to its previous being. It seems increasingly hard to make people see this point at times, and I don’t know, maybe it could just be me. But then, sometimes it could be this that is driving people around me slightly fruity(bananas, nuts, oranges, whatever). Which is why I am taking this break now.

First day into my three day break away from the lab and school. Well, at least the mind is starting to clear up. You know you have to take a break when clarity of thoughts eludes you totally, and you start making nonsensical mistakes. Regardless of the caffeine level in your circulation, there are always mistakes you cannot afford to make at this level. Forgetting to balance the centrifuge is this horrible, when it could mean wasting a good 50 ml of blood which someone kindly donated. Shedding innocent blood indeed.

Always thought that I might just be able to work tirelessly, but there are times when you really need to take time off everything. It’s like there are so many thoughts coming together and certainly, the mind does not take kindly to multi-tasking. It’s just like plugging in too many connections into this source. It is not exactly clogging up, but you can sense that there is this much murk surfacing.

It is time to sort out the thoughts. Hopefully reading and writing can be done in these few days. For however much that matters.